Learn about the three different attachment styles and how yours may be ruining your relationships.
By Leslie K. Hughes
Have you ever dated someone needy? Or have you ever been the needy person in a relationship? There is a reason for that. And it’s your parents.
We are who we were raised to be . . . to a certain extent.
How we act around others and how we relate to other people is programmed from a very young age by the first people we have a relationship with in our life: our parents.
Essentially, the person you become as an adult is due to subconscious programming. And “finding yourself” in adulthood consists primarily of getting back to who you were before all of life’s conditioning.
How our parents cared for us growing up, the boundaries or lack of boundaries they set, and how they taught us to act in social situations are all coping habits. And these habits are referred to as an attachment style. Your attachment style is imprinted on you from the first two years of your life and continues to develop into how you handle relationships as an adult.
Understanding your attachment style and whether it is a healthy one that will bring you the relationships you want, or whether it is keeping you from flourishing in your romantic life is key.
We are who we were raised to be, until we decide we don’t want to be that person anymore. We always have the power to change, if we want to.
And if you want to, we are here to help you do that.
The Three Attachment Styles
Do you feel like you’re condemned to be single forever? Or do you feel like someone who always has to be in a relationship? Do you need a lot of time alone? Do you feel like you struggle with trust?
If any of these things sound familiar then chances are good you are acting out the attachment style that was imprinted on you by your parents. Many of the ways that we think, feel, and act are all reflections of how we were attached to our parents. That’s because the relationship with our parents is the biggest and deepest relationship we know.
If you aren’t sure what your attachment style is, read to find out more about each, and which one seems to align best with how you act.
Secure
Secure. The very definition of this word is “feeling safe, stable, and free from fear or anxiety.”
That sounds nice, right?
That’s because this is the type of relationship attachment we all strive to have – one that is built on confidence and trust.
If you have a secure attachment style, then you love having your independence in your relationship, and love letting your partner have his/her independence as well. You love to show affection to your partner, you’re comfortable with him/her, and the two of you have a deep connection.
That’s not to say that people with this sort of attachment style don’t run into bumps in the road. We are human after all, and sometimes shit happens. What makes this type of attachment style stand out from the others is that when shit does hit the fan, a secure attachment person maintains trust, communication, and love, and offers support even when things get tough, or gives space when it is needed.
Most adults with this attachment style grew up in a similar situation where they never doubted the love of their parents; never worried that their parents would leave them; never felt hindered by strict rules and a lack of independence. That security was imprinted on them as kids, so it carries with them to adulthood and relationships outside of their parents.
Anxious
Anxious. This word brings about feelings of stress, neediness, exhaustion. These are not things that anyone wants to feel.
But if you are someone who didn’t always get your needs met as a child; someone who suffered from instability and the fear of abandonment, then chances are good your adult relationships suffer from your anxious attachment.
An anxious attachment style looks like the need for constant attention and the fear that you are never good enough. You likely compare yourself to others on a regular basis, and we all know the comparison game is not a fun or healthy one to play.
Trust is an issue of great struggle if you’re an anxiously attached person. An hour or two without a response to a text may send your mind snowballing down the path of no return.
Which brings us to another struggle of your anxious attachment: you spend far too much time in your head. Overthinking is integral to this attachment style, which means you spend a lot of time suffering.
Avoidant
Avoidant. This looks like indifference to outsiders, but that is not what is happening on the inside.
Rather, those with an avoidant attachment style are afraid to show who they really are and are often plagued with self-doubt. This causes them to create distance between themselves and building strong relationships with others, which can end in a very lonely way of living.
People who are avoidantly attached often dealt with unreliable parents as a child, so they learned how to fend for themselves without the need for others. This carries into adulthood where they take the concept of independence to a new and unhealthy level.
There are two separate types of avoidant attachment: fearful and dismissive.
Fearful avoidant is the type to leave a relationship before the other person can leave. They lack trust in their relationships and struggle with intimacy.
Dismissive avoidant is the type to avoid every being vulnerable with others, and the type who needs a lot of space.
Both result as a form of neglect in childhood.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
If you were dealt the hand of an attachment style you don’t want, then you may feel condemned to suffer from it forever. It was something ingrained in you from your youngest years and is something that has carried onto your adulthood and affected every relationship along the way.
Though you may feel hopeless, you shouldn’t. With work, it is possible to change your attachment style.
However, don’t expect it to happen overnight. This is a change in your subconscious, in the very root of your being that will take time and energy. Some people find that therapy helps them work through their attachment style struggles, and others swear by meditation.
Find what works best for you and put in the work. I promise it is worth it.
