People-pleasing is so passé.
By Leslie K. Hughes
It’s a natural human feeling to want to be liked.
In fact, it’s primal.
In ancient times, we needed to be liked by our social groups to survive. We relied upon each other for food, shelter, etc., so it was kind of important that your people liked you.
Today, it’s different. Now there are nearly 8 billion people on this planet.
Sure, we rely upon people in a way for our survival (people to grow our food, build our homes, etc). But technology and other advancements have made it so that someone liking you today is less of a means of survival.
Now, ensuring people like you is for validation – a means of self-worth.
The more people like us, the higher our self-worth.
Exhibit A:
- That pic you post on IG is only good if a lot of people “like” it
- That project you submitted is only good if your boss likes it
- You’re only hot if someone tells you you are.
But that’s kind of messed up, right? To be putting our worth in the hands of others.
I’ve been there.
I’m a recovering* people-pleaser. (*Still a work in progress.)
I used to work so hard to get everyone to like me. I never wanted to cause any ripples with friends, colleagues, boyfriends, teachers, hell – even the random cashier at the store.
I was so cautious about what I said and did to ensure no one had a reason not to like me.
It was exhausting. I wasn’t thinking about what I liked and what I wanted. I was working so hard to fit the molds of others – what they liked and what they wanted.
And it was never enough. There were still people that didn’t like me.
The worst part? I lost my true self in the process of trying to be a version of myself for others.
Thankfully, I eventually hit a wall and burned out. I couldn’t perform for others anymore.
It was time to perform for myself.
It wasn’t easy at first. I had to fully accept for the first time that some people didn’t like me. It definitely hurt. But it got easier and easier as I continued to remember who I was doing this for: me.
Along the way, I learned one of my most important life lessons that I remind myself of regularly:
I’m not for everyone. And everyone is not for me.
There are plenty of people I don’t like or vibe with, and that’s okay.
There are plenty of people that don’t like or vibe with me, and that’s okay.
I don’t need them to like me. I need me to like me – that’s what matters the most.
Now, this doesn’t mean you should adopt the attitude of “f*** other people.” Because that’s not healthy either.
Just be yourself and the people who align with you – who like the real you – will naturally come into your life.
The others? You don’t need to waste your time worrying about them at all. Life’s too short for that shit.
So the next time you find yourself falling into people-pleaser mode or feeling like you’re seeking validation from someone else, realize that the only validation worth working for comes from within.
